I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
