If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this beer tastes like vomit already
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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