So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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