I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
