Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
