he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
