I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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