we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
