Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
