Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
