Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
