gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
