epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
