we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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