WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
