Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
