Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
