I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
