The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
