3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
