I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
