In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
