I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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