It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
