Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
