Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
