chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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