Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
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