He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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