why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just invented taco cereal.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
