I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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