Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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