you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
