I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
