You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
