Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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