i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
