I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
