The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
