The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
