she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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