It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
