I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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