guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
