I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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