My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
