Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
