How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
