the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
