What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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