Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
