oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
